Controlling the Uncontrollable

Here is my very first diary entry / blog I wrote in the middle of my year 12 exams (which was what feels like many moons ago).
So here I am at 11pm, the night before my first exam. I guess you could say that I was freaking petrified to start the next 2 months of 8 exams, but that would be an understatement. I am a pit of anxiety, stress and coffee at the moment, with a splash of determination.
We’ve all been here; your sitting on your bed with that white doona cover you brought to make your room look more aesthetic, because that’s how the YouTubers do it, and all of a sudden your wondering what the hell you want to do with your life. So you get out your laptop and you start frantically typing on the nail polish and food stained keyboard:
‘Certificate IV in Business’
‘Diploma in Beauty Therapy’
‘Bachelor of Counselling’
‘Jobs you can do while travelling’
‘What job would I love?’
Searching through hundreds, maybe even thousands, of different Google results for hours, trying to reach some sort of conclusion on what you want to do with your life. You’re pulling your hair out, biting your nails and getting seriously overwhelmed at the lit up screen in front of you; as if it determined your future right then and there.
We all want to be in control of our future and that is okay, that is good for us because if we didn’t want to be in control of it then we’d have no goals or motivation, right? But there comes a point where we want to be more in control of it than is physically and mentally possible. I can tell you honestly right now that I am guilty of stressing over my future so much so that it drives me to the point of insanity.
So why do I do that? Why do we do this?
If you are a chronic over thinker and stress head like I am then I’m sure you’ve heard people say “You need to stop stressing over things you can’t control!” Or maybe, “The future is a mystery so just focus on the now, alright?” And to those people I laugh because what they don’t know is that we know that. We know we shouldn’t stress over uncontrollable things and that the universe is ever-changing and that the future can never be determined. We know that what we are doing is unproductive and it doesn’t change anything expect our poor mental state, but do you think those factors stop us? No! In fact they make me stress even more!
You’re telling me I can’t control my future because everything I’m planning right now is going to change and then I’m going to have to adjust my goals to those changes but then again that new future could change again because this could happen and then what if I’m not prepared for this change because I’ll be doing this but then you’re saying I can’t plan these things so I should just be chill and go with the flow but then my life isn’t controlled and bad things happen when I’m not in control and *sigh*. 
Deep breathe in
Deep breathe out
Let’s think of this as Venn diagram, everyone grab out a piece of paper and a pen and draw two circles overlapping each other just like you did in primary school. Now the left circle is labelled ‘Things that matter’ and the right is ‘Things you can control’. That little oval shaped thing in the middle where the two circles overlap? That’s the answer my friends.... I mean apparently it is to a Google image a found when I was trying to find inspiration to not stress the uncontrollable.
“How do I know the difference between things that matter to me and things I can control and find the balance? I don’t have time for that.” She says as she frantically scrolls through Pinterest trying to find more inspiration instead of studying for the exam she has the next day.
'Pinterest: A deadly weapon into thinking your life can be so much better than what it is right now.'
After scrolling through Pinterest I always somehow come out through the other end having totally different life views and morals that last an hour at most. Imagine it, a year 12 student in the middle exams who works as a casual retail assistant, not knowing what she wants to do in life and having no real big thoughts of her own besides that she knows she wants chocolate ice cream for dessert, just sitting on her (very aesthetic) bed scrolling through Pinterest and 2 hours later she is a strong advocate for feminism, who aspires to become a professional travel blogger and earning millions to pay for her expensive fashion sense and wedding she’s already planned out with an imaginary boy that looks exactly like Cole Sprouse. I mean, I go into that app fine with life but knowing damn well what I’ll get myself into and coming out wanting to change my whole life.
So that was mistake #1 for me tonight, I guess that is why I decided to write this blog.
I’ve always loved writing but I felt too scared my whole high school life because of the biased and utter bullshit class that high schools make you do called English. Because nothing says “a mandatory class that tests whether your morals matches the markers expectation and if they don’t you fail school altogether” like English does.
I’ve been searching on Google for 2 hours on possible paths I can go in the future and looking for inspiration on Pinterest for longer than I’d like to admit but I can tell you right now none of those hours spent on this dirty keyboard has helped me discover any more of my future than what I already knew at the start.
Do I regret the searching? I mean I could have been studying sure, but not really. Because it made me write this, and I mean at least I did something productive while procrastinating, right? I guess for now I will have to wait this out and try learning that I can’t control what is ahead, no matter how much it bothers me to say that. No amount of stressing, biting nails and clenching jaws will change what is in store for my future and it’s time I just put faith in the universe to decide what is ahead. I hope this blog was a sufficient amount of study for my first exam tomorrow... English.
I think I will now go have a quick browse through Pinterest before I go to bed.
Love always,
Ashlyn Ann